You may be nice, but you may not be nice for the right reasons.

I abhor the word nice. It is so pathetic and lacks any depth of meaning. What does nice even mean, anyway?

If you’re describing a person, it literary means nothing more than he or she is not an asshole. That’s not a very high bar and I tend to hold people more accountable to a higher standard than that. It fails to detail any of the meaningful traits a person may possess. You know, things like honesty, integrity, strength of character; things that are actually quite important to know about a person. I find nice people hard to trust (as do most people, they just don’t know it or aren’t willing to admit it). I always walk away from someone who is overwhelmingly nice and wonder what they really think. Chances are, they aren’t saying what they think, because that would be mean. Oooohhhhh! They like to be nice because it makes things easier for themselves.

If you are referring to an object as nice, it is probably lackluster and your opinion of it is neither strongly negative or positive. “See my new 3 carat engagement ring!” “Oh, that’s nice.” Said nobody ever. Even in speaking about an object, nice is a useless word.

Nice is also such a sneaky word. It allows people to get away with all sorts of cowardly, selfish behavior and avoid the responsibility of truth. A word of caution, being nice is NOT a virtue. It is most likely a way for you to dodge the real work of being a grown up. It allows you to avoid all necessary conflict, and enables you to riddle yourself with resentment. You get to be so nice, that all those honest people out there willing to address issues straight on are hurting your feelings. What a wonderful way for you to play the victim.

I have spoken extensively on the pathetic nature of being nice and how it starkly contrasts to the work it takes to actually be kind (listen to my podcast episode #26 Nice is Easy, Kind is Hard) https://eviefatz.com/2020/06/08/episode-26-nice-is-easy-kind-is-hard/

so I won’t repeat myself here; but I had a powerful realization on yet another misconception of what it means to be nice and it’s worth sharing.

I was listening to a talk given by Gary Vee the other day and he mentioned a motivation behind people who claim to be nice that I had never thought of before. Those who claim to be doing something nice for others, are often times doing something to make themselves feel good, and has very little to do with what the recipient of this so-called “nice gesture” actually wants.

In all the ways you are claiming to be so nice to others, ask yourself what you are getting from it? The answer will often times be, you are getting more from it than the recipient. Take for instance random gifts. I hate them. I do not like “things” because I am not an avid consumer. I don’t go to Target, Costco or Walmart. I buy myself very nice things, the highest quality I can afford and I don’t like a lot of stuff around my house. So anyone who knows me well doesn’t show up with random gifts for me. People don’t buy me gift cards to Starbucks (no thanks-I like to make my own coffee and it would be nice if others saved their money instead of buying me a $5.00 cup of shit coffee) and they don’t send me Hallmark cards. I like it this way and those people who are in my inner-most circle appreciate this. They aren’t offended because they don’t do things to make themselves feel good, under the guise of being nice to me. Buying people things they don’t want isn’t nice; it’s all about you, not them.

This is the same reason I don’t buy gratuitous gifts based upon what day of the year it is. I buy meaningful gifts for people when I see something I know they would cherish, if and when I come across something that fits the bill. This is an active work of kindness, not being nice by giving something that means nothing to them, but checks the nice box for me.

This may seem cynical to those of you who fall into the nice category. Yes, there is such a thing as a nice category and it is comprised mostly of those people who have a high level agreeableness in their character. Agreeableness is a character trait we are born with and some are higher than others. It takes both ends of the spectrum to balance out personalities. Some people are wired for keeping the peace, while others, like myself, are necessary to come shake up the pot from time to time and keep everybody honest.

Kindness is a lot more work than being nice, and it is also much more authentic. Being kind is much more likely to keep your motivations pure. I am not a nice person; but boy oh boy am I kind. I tell people the truth because I believe in them and don’t want to see them lie themselves into a less than optimal life. I have empathy for people who deserve it, and none for people who don’t. I don’t do things for others to make myself feel good; I do things for others to help them improve their lives. People don’t typically walk away from me wondering what I really think; they don’t necessarily like me, but they almost always trust me.

Next time you notice yourself saying you’re doing something to be nice, ask yourself if it is really what’s best for the other person. You will find, most of the time it’s not.