The responsibility is on you to set boundaries, not on others to figure out how to treat you.

People don’t really mess with me. It’s not because I’m some sort of bully, it’s because I have very clear boundaries with others. Even those people closest to me know there are expectations in terms of interacting with me. Not so they have to walk on eggshells, but so they don’t have to walk on eggshells! People rarely have to wonder what I expect from them and lines that are not to be crossed. The surest way to development resentment towards someone else and for them to feel uncomfortable around you is failing to set boundaries.

There are simple, everyday things that keep my household, workplace and relationships running smoothly. For instance, I do not like to be interrupted in the morning. My mornings are a sacred time for me. It has nothing to do with waking up crabby or irritable either. I am genuinely grateful each morning I wake up, so I want time to myself to pray, meditate, read and write. This is my most creative time of day and I protect it like gold. I ask my mother, who lives in our home with us to not interrupt me during the mornings, even if it’s just to say hello. I block out my calendar from 8am -10am and request no meetings be scheduled during these hours.

I ask people to respect my time and they do. I have no trouble letting people know I don’t like to be bombarded with random texts and guess what? I don’t get a mass number of random texts. My family knows that because I do all the cooking, my daughter unloads the dishwasher and my husband does clean up and loading. These are all a given, no arguments or even having to be asked.

When I went away to address my problem with alcohol, there was a day in which I had to openly discuss the 10 worst moments in my life related to alcohol use, with a small group of people (one of the most gut wrenching things I’ve ever had to do by the way). Before I started, I told the group I was about to share things I never wanted to say out loud, and I respectfully told them if they wanted to talk to me about how they relate or give words of comfort, I would appreciate it but only during this session. The minute we walked out the door, the discussions were over. I didn’t want anyone coming up to me while I was on a walk or when we were sitting down for a meal. They were not invited into my life outside of the designated place we were doing trauma work; period. Both the therapist and all those in the room had much respect for the boundaries I had set and it opened the door for amazingly intimate discussion during that session.

Boundaries keep everyone working respectfully together. I could have skipped over the uncomfortable moment or two when I said I wasn’t open to discussion outside of the group, and then felt irritated and resentful when people came up to me later to say they could relate; but that would have been even more unfair to them than it would have been to me.

I could easily use the excuse that I don’t want to “hurt my mom’s feelings” by telling her to hold off on visiting with me until I’ve had my time alone in the morning and then get irritated and short with her, as if it was her fault.

I could easily fail to set clear responsibilities for each of my family members to do their part of the household chores and then play the overworked, martyr mom role but I’d much rather not feel resentful towards my family and vice versa.

I work hard not to do things I don’t want to do and then bitch and moan about others because of it. There is a real value in people knowing where they stand with you and that your interactions are authentic. This not only makes your life easier, it makes other people feel safe.

How many things occur within your daily life that you feel irritated or resentful about? How often do you complain about being taken for granted or others not doing their part? If you don’t like the way others treat you or interact with you, it’s your fault, not theirs. Other people don’t deserve to be on the receiving end of your resentment because you have failed to ask them for what you want.

Well functioning relationships are built upon boundaries. The clearer the boundaries, the better the relationships.