We never do things for no reason - even the self destructive things we do.
One of my frustrations in coaching fitness was the lack of follow through and ultimately lack of success I witnessed in my clients. I am a really damn good coach, why don’t more people reach their goals? I frequently had conversations with clients, letting them know that I couldn’t care more about their health than they did. Towards the end of my coaching career, I coached coaches only because my time was better spent teaching other coaches than just helping a handful of people who would agree to the prerequisite to work with me: you had to be ALL IN. My knowledge was hard earned and I didn’t make time for people who weren’t committed.
Even at that time, I could see there was a deeper reason people weren’t willing to work on the things necessary to heal their health. They weren’t lazy, or unmotivated or flaky. They were holding themselves back for a reason. I just didn’t know what it was and considering my role as a coach, not a therapist, it wasn’t my place to ask;)
One long time female client of mine once told me after losing a ton of weight that she felt extremely uncomfortable with the way men looked at her in the grocery store line now. While she was proud of the work she’d done and how great she looked, she felt uncomfortable. She had spent decades hiding her physical beauty behind fat because she had been molested as a child. The damage done to her all those years ago was still haunting her and driving her behavior all these years later. She was getting something from being overweight - protection from men.
After her willingness to share her story with me, I never saw my clients with the same eyes. They were getting something from their behaviors. As unhealthy and destructive as they were, the things they were doing were allowing them to hold onto something they weren’t ready to let go of.
It is for this reason I chose to step away from coaching and sell my gym. I no longer wanted to just teach people how to deadlift (although I still LOVE to teach from time to time) because I had bigger work to do.
I now try and help people see the bigger picture of their life. I try to help people see the reason behind what they do, so they can truly live.
Look at the things you do that you know full well aren’t working. Ask yourself what you’re gaining from them. Because you are getting something from it, always.
Maybe you get to be the victim, or the hero, or the forgotten and ignored. Maybe you get to be the martyr. Maybe you get to be the center of attention because you were ignored when you were a child💁🏼‍♀️
While today’s reading discusses our relationships with others, the same principle applies to our relationship with oursleves.